Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it