lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Just parrot things
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes