When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!