cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.