This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
You Might Also Like
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return