I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”