I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
You Might Also Like
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
🌱🌱🌱