The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*