All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
You Might Also Like
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If you know, you know