[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.