Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”