Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.