馃幎Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine馃幎
You Might Also Like
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The days of good grammer has went
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
No way!
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o鈥檛hem french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don鈥檛 call it that
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Don鈥檛 be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.