I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.