[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Ha
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???