A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You Might Also Like
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.