I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
You Might Also Like
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The Book. The Movie.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.