Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
when you order from DoorDastardly
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*