son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no