How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.