My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon