Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You Might Also Like
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
yall want some gasoline milk
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?