Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You Might Also Like
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
not seeing the problem
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.