[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage