Not all heroes wear capes.
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒