There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
titanic
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
How funny!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls