Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
i was baptized in a car wash
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?