That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You Might Also Like
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
looks legit
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
A flock of dads is called a grill.