My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
You Might Also Like
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha