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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Care for your back
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book