“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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good work, everybody
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I have never related to a cat more
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”