Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
that’s really how it is
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.