The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You Might Also Like
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
how high up are we talkin’?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Every BBC series about the universe.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
HERE’S MARKY
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.