An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
step 6: release the wall snake
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them