If you need a laugh.. 😅
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!