My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Still my favourite meme.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*weighs self after shaving
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?