Comparing yourself to others
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Me: Same.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying