He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.