Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.