I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.