I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.