*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done