I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.