OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
This came to me in a dream.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos