Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You Might Also Like
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Incredible customer service.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.