Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
You Might Also Like
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nothing to do, you say?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.