God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.