this is how life feels
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
mathematically impossible
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!