Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.