Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Thrilling chase underway
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
yeah not falling for this one
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
no!! no!!!!!!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.